Gentlemen (and Ladies!); Have you ever found yourself in Need of that Certain Protection one wants for a Night On The Town?

Stop talking like a Victorian stereotype!

Okay, sorry, sorry! It's habit-forming.

What is it, you ask? It is a monocle (with a 2.5" chain!) inside a sealed, tearable wrapper. If you require an instantaneous boost to classiness, this product is for you.

Just to be absolutely clear: It is not a condom. It is made of hard plastic and metal. If you attempt to use it as a condom, you will definitely hurt yourself, and you may experience the miracle of life.

Comes with 3 monocles in a lovingly designed cardboard box.